From james@rtweb.net Sat Apr 24 20:50:59 1999 Date: Sat, 24 Apr 1999 15:46:58 -0400 From: James M . Mastros To: Adam Fritzler Subject: Re: You know... On Thu, Apr 22, 1999 at 05:32:57AM +0000, Adam Fritzler wrote: > Btw, e is the result of continuously compositing interest. So, the [...] > e = lim (1+(1/n))^n > n->I > > That should yield e (where I=infinity). If it doesn't, I've probably > messed something up. Oh well. You didn't; that works perfectly. Interesting way of finding it, BTW. Interestingly, the sequence for pi/e that seemed to work on my calculator dosn't on jenner -- probably I was taking a real difference and assuming that it was simply that nmax was not yet large enough. The error seems to get _higher_ with increasing n, so that sequence is full of shit. Too bad, it was so elegant. > Well, aparently you're going to read plenty about non-computer related > things in my log today. So I guess I'll just end this now. Well, I finialy got around to reading your log (and replying to this email). Sorry it took so long, I had school and forgetfulness and a party since you sent this. Party was a bomb, BTW -- nobody showed up. Nearly nobody, anyway. > I'm not going to list it because I really doubt he wants it activly > distributed -- and we all know what active dristribution of an independant > thinker's log can end up in! Acatualy, I do want it distributed, I'm just not doing silly things like putting it in Yahoo. My theory is that people cool enough for me to care if they see this will read an email with the URL in the sig, or hear about it from some similar location, or one who did so. (So feel free to link to it from your public log.) When I say comments solicited, I mean it. I'm afraid of letting people know what I think; I'll admit it at the moment. But I think I shouldn't be, so I can do it without being afraid by the anonymous, non-personal feeling of the internet. > And in reaction, I must say this: I am not as bold as he is. Boldness isn't important; it's acting bold that counts. The easyest way to start, if you care to, is to Just Do It, as the ads say. > I am naturally fearful of confrontation, especially in physical form. Mid, I don't think there are may people that stupid and immature that have the presence of mind to remember "www.auk.cx/log", much less the ability to type, or even simply to know what a web-browser is. Perhaps people are more violent there. But a fear of mental confrentation is a silly thing in a hacker; what's the last time you cursed at your machine(s)? If your answer is more then 48 hours, I'd be very surprised. The hacker mentality, as I know it at least, is all about proving, sometimes to the world and sometimes to yourself, that you're better then an h norm. Come out of your shell a bit and share all that quirky mid-ness with the world; the worst that can happen is that the readers won't like you. And my general rule is that people stupid enough to not like me once they know me I don't care enough to mind. I find that there aren't many people like that -- not because I'm such a likeable guy, but because I'm not a knowable guy. Lauren said the other day that she dosn't understand me. I replyed simply that I don't understand myself. I can always say to myself that people who don't like me simply don't know me. I want to be liked, so I want to be known. Those are the major reasons that I wrote that stuff: so that others would understand me better, and so that I would understand myself better. > In fact, the entire Regnu incident showed me in complete fear of what I was > going to do next. And that is where I decided to end it. I stopped > mentioning real names (unless I knew they wouldn't mind). I stopped > mentioning anything of substinance. I stopped mentioning my reactions to > most things. > For reasons I care not to discuss (if I know them myself), I fear what > people think of what I think. I speak very rarely about it, always have. > When I first started this log, it was just me listening. There was no fear > in talking to myself (well, less fear anyway :)). But then more people read > it. And the power of it started to enter my mind. I got scared. And this log > is now what it is: useless, superficial dribble. I quoted this entire passage not only because I couldn't find a good place to stop, but because I think you probably ought to read what you just wrote again. Perhaps you do not relize it, but what you just said reads somthing like "I relized that this log has the possiblity of changing things by people knowning my ideas and ideals. I'm afraid of making things change. So I stopped writing anything but useless, superfical dribble." That's sad, it really is. [Pause for several deep breaths.] I started out talking to myself too. But then I relized that if people could see into my head, they might start to understand me. And I've always wanted to be understood; it's a part of, I think, wanting the net understanding of the world by the people in it to increase. So, that 124k of HTML written over a period of two weeks and three days is a partial core dump of my crainal matter. There's a lot of cobwebs up there, a lot of sadness acquaired over the last 18 years, 10 months, and 13 days. There's also some general crazyness, interest in math, science, politics, the occult, computers, and women. There's a lot of hoplessness, and a lot of hope too. I'm betting you have some similar things inside of the highest bone in the (standing) human body. Let us take a look. Yes, it's kind of scary knowning that complete strangers will be running voltmeteres through your neural net. (Let's see how many other phrasings I can find for the seat of the soul.) But it's fun too. I'm still waiting for a _really_ interesting reaction. (Your's was only rather interesting. Sorry, better luck this time.) Perhaps your privite log works well for the reliving effects of letting off some steam in written form (I never really belived in that until I did it). But I didn't really feel that it had served it's purpose until it was published in some form. Perhaps you're simply more introverted then I am. Anyway, I'm saddened that you're afraid that people might learn who you really are. > However, it has become more of a performance art than a sounding board for > thoughts and ideas. I write for others, instead of writing for me. It has > become useless to me. Try this: talk to a yourself that dosn't know you. (Hmm, that statement made sense when it was still in my head. It looses somthing in the linerality.) Forget you're writing; just talk. If you find yourself saying somthing that requires a responce, put in some points of elipisis, and imagine the person you're talking to just smiling and nodding. Wait, that's still not quite what I wanted to say. You're figure it out, I'm certian. Just try not to resort to showmanship like the master-of-curley-braces, or lobsters. (Yeha, I did catch that.) > Perhaps part of that is the one-way nature of this log. I write. People > read. They cannot easily write back. Many months ago, I thought about > putting the daily entries into [4]slashdot.org-style news format, with a > comments section for every day. So it would become a two-way endevour. I > gave up on that thought at the time, but it may have been a good idea. And > just a reminder, if you do have something to say, please mail me at the > address at the bottom of the page. I'm not certian that two-wayness is a good thing; I think you need a happy medium -- somewhere about one-and-a-half-way. When it takes almost no effort to say something, then people end up saying nothing -- useless drabble. When it is impossible (or people don't know that they can or should), then nobody says anything. I note that all you have at the bottom is an unadorned mailto link. Mine says "comments solicited". It's a minor difference, but I think an important one. Then again, only time will tell, and since I havn't done anything like this in almost a week, there may not be time to tell. > I will not mention that you made a remark unless you wish to be. Go right ahead; in fact I hope you do. Do you mind if I make this complete exchange public; I'm trying to open up. (Hmm, will there be an General Person Licence soon?) -=- James Mastros -- "My friend Data: You see the world with the wonder of a child, and that makes you more human then any of us." -=- Lt. Tasha Yar, upon the occasion of her death. cat /dev/urandom|james --insane=yes > http://www.rtweb.net/theorb/